it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
