woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
