Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
