what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
