there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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