New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
