It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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