I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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