your room smells of hookers.
And success
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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