he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pants are for mortals
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
