i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
im on a boat
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