I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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