I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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