Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
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