The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
