im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
