At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
