Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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