I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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