I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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