You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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