My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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