who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
