how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
