Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
