I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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