you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
