No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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