And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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