Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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