Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
