fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
even my farts smell like vagina
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
