I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
