Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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