yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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