Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
