sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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