Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize