There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
