No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
