This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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