i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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