Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're too hungover to prance.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
