I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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