I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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