There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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