We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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