Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
