i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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