Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
