can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
