i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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