Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
