i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
