i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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