At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
