No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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