i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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