my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
