News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
