pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My feet surprised me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize