Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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